Gobble Gobble W!

Happy Thanksgiving America!

Yes it's that time of year again when America likes to stuff its turkey inappropriately close to Christmas, and of course eat turkey. Here Mr. President (or perhaps we should say, after the recent defeat in the Senate and the House of Representatives, the rapidly outgoing president) receiving an unwelcome guest in his pants, without mentioning Karl Rove. Brings a whole new meaning to bird brain and s(h)itting duck. How do you like them apples?

I'm loath to take sides in American politics, but well, you'd have to be a turkey-gobbling idiot not to.

Further Adventures of HP Sauce

My father recently scared me by saying all HP was stopping its bottles in the UK. It's true. In June 2005, our American cousins Heinz purchased HP manufactuers, HP Foods, from Danone (HP Foods was already French-owned), moving HP production from Aston, Birmingham to Elst in the Netherlands. Hence my friend Martin "Zigga" Zeegar, a half-Dutch half-Scotsman now living in Rotterdam, has kindly taken to smuggling HP through American customs, I confess. Please Dutch people, though you're becoming less liberal by the hour, keep smoking and keep importing! Otherwise bring on the Fourth Anglo-Dutch war. If we can't find the missing WMD HP, let's get Maggie Thatch back and bring on the all-American armada! When they came for the brown sauce, we said nothing...and without HP England might turn to unholy red sauce (another well-known Heinz import) in despair!

Fortunately there is a vast HP import market to England. So lovers of the HP (and a few brown-tongues who prefer their Daddies Sauce) needn't worry. Cook up the grill, let's BBQ Thanksgiving. The British - well, their condiments, at least - are coming!

Harry Potter Incites Witchcraft, Again

I don't know how to explain this one, England. Harry Potter is in the firing line again, and I'm not talking Quidditch. www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15127464/
Is Potter a terrorist? The anti-Christ? Just bad at doing his homework? Oh dear. Should we start teaching American Pyscho in British schools alongside Macbeth? I don't know; the mind boggles. Maybe if we combine Scientology and the Wicca witchcraft religions we can get some alien broomsticks (in time for Hallowe'en) and see if Ms. Laura Mallory would like to ride them? This way Hermione!

Saucy Mount Rushmore Surprise!

Courtesy of the blog www.brownsauce.org devoted exclusively to worshipping a fine condiment complement to the British bacon sarny, the sauce known as Houses of Parliment was recently discovered as a missing Mount Rushmore president! Impossible you say? A year ago W put his face cheekily on the South Dakota monument for a publicity stunt. But I thought I'd never see this depth of depravity from my own dear bottle of brown. Okay I forgive you HP. I can't live without you! I think you'd do a fine job as Supreme Commander. Start the immigration!

World's Tallest Dog

www.Vewgle.com - The Google Video Forum This is a HUGE dog!

World's Tallest Dog, Now In Print

Divided by a common language Britain and America are joined by...a surprisingly statuesque canine! From the unlikely origin of Grass Valley, Nevada County, California, Gibson the Great Dane is a tall dog - so tall he has his own website, Size Matters, at www.gibsondog.com. You can even shake his paw and hear him say "I love you." I visit daily.

The Guinness Book of World Records is ecstatic. Cementing Gibbo's local hero fame into immortality, they are importing his name 5000 miles east of the sunshine state to London, former City of Fame. Gibson is top of the height game, and according to his keeper/pet, has an eye for the ladies, black and white of course. Bless the Guinness family for their book! Apparently TGBWR is the book most stolen from British libraries. As Gibbo would say: "Irony."

The most stolen book in the US is Sex by Madonna. No joke.

New Site (If You Like Chess And Murder)

Check out Matt Fullerty's new website and novel The Pride and the Sorrow at www.mattfullerty.com

World Cup Surprise

A few weeks ago I pretended to my long-suffering girlfriend, AZ, that I didn't already know the score in the USA-Czech Republic World Cup game, which I did. I accidentally saw the half-time score on one of those internet pop-ups. When we watched the recorded game later, I pretended to get all excited and disgusted at the right moments. AZ didn't tell me she knew the score too. We were both playing the same daft game. Apparently she was driving and "saw the score on a TV bar screen." A likely story. Ah, the beautiful game.

Religious Hair

I saw The Name of the Rose yesterday, a film Sean Connery and Christian Slater made in 1986. Connery looks older than he does now. Slater doesn't. The film was scary but the haircuts were hilarious and made me feel a lot better about my own. Was Slater growing the perfect transplant for Connery? Cheers Italy.

Dear England

Welcome to Dear England, A Letter Home. Living in the USA, I am now culturally confused. I hope this blog will shed some light on all things American through my best British eye, and all things England in my best Yankee accent. I am an expat lost in America, a four year americanized long-haul tourist on a non-immigrant visa, whatever that means. Olé!